We are watching a couple of adorable pets for a couple friends, while they are in Greece. I explained to pet-mom that her dog, Biggs, and cat, Belle, were doing very well–I think I’ve convinced them that they are currently at puppy/kitty summer camp. Which, of course, means letters to your parents from summer camp!
The following is the correspondence between Biggs and his dog-mom during his time at Swenson summer camp. For being a small dog with bug eyes and no thumbs, he does quite well at typing, and spelling, and punctuation….and grammar…and sentence construction…
Summer Camp: Day 87
MOM! I have been at summer camp for about 87 days, and it is AWESOME! There are SO MANY BALLS HERE! SO MANY! I have collected them all from that stupid white dog. I win. Because I am older and wiser. Belle is fine. She seems incapaBELLE of not making friends. I caught her napping next to weird grey furry cat in the chair this morning. I love you and hope you are having fun in Greece.
P.S. My personal trainer is this super sexy greyhound named Soup. She acts all nonchalant, but I can tell she totally diggs the Biggs.
Love, Jackolus Bigglisby III
BIIIIIIGGGS! I miss you, stink face!! I’m glad you are getting along so well with Soup and winning at balls. Give IncapaBelle a kiss for me and keep playing nice. Only about 105 days left of summer camp and you can come back home and get fat again!!
p.s. Tell Carly thank you for being so great and for letting you use the laptop to check in with me. It made my night. I love yous.
Summer Camp: Day 45
MOM! You are a liar! You never told me this is a fitness camp. ERRRRR. You have used my inherent love of chasing tennis balls against me! Have you seen this yard?! I have to get all the balls, ALL OF THEM several times a day. I bring them to the humans and they just have MORE! AND THEY KEEP THROWING THEM ACROSS THE HUGE DAMN YARD! HUUUUGGGGEEE! This yard has to be at least my size times 15. I swear. They haven’t given me hardly any of the treats you left. BUT, I keep stealing the little white dog’s treats. Too slow! She is an uppity treat snob–oh well more for me! This might be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. in my life. ever.
P.S. Camp counselor man said Belle’s cat play pen “looks less like a play pen and more like a kitty prison cell block”.
P.S. I still totally love you and dad! Belle is a dork.
Love, A very angry Jackolus Bigglisby
Biggs, I knew that if I told you that this was fat camp, you wouldn’t go. And you might develop some kind of body image problem. Just keep chasing those balls like the champ I know you are. Like a puppy Hercules. I don’t blame you for stealing treats, but we are going to have a serious talk about it when we get home. Stealing is wrong and you are a bully.
Also, yes, the play pen is definitely just jail. It is what it is and hopefully she will not get sent to kitty jail.
p.s. we still totally love you and your dorky sister, Belle. With her strong arm. And both of your googlie eyes. we miss you quite a lot. Give Belle a kiss for me…if you can manage to let her get close enough to you.
Summer Camp: Day 982
Mom! It is day 982 of camp, and it has gotten A LOT better. I pretty much run this place now. I am a pretty big deal. I suppose the fact that Soup is my “personal trainer”, should have given me a pretty big hint I am here to get fit. But, mom—oh man—I am! I am totally your little Hercules puppy. You would be so proud of me.
I also get to cuddle in the big human bed at night. We have kicked Soup to the curb, bitches! She claims she sleeps on the floor now by choice because “it is summer” and “it is too hot”. But I know she knows that the tall on is MY new-tall-fake-mom–and she best step down by choice of else feel the wrath of puppy Hercules with all its might. She stepped down.
Anyway, things are awesome, and new-tall-fake-mom is giving us pup-peroni now! She might be my new favorite thing. NOPE! PUP-PERONI is my new favorite thing!
Love, Your strongest most amazingest little dog ever, Biggs
Biggs! I’m so proud of you! You are such my little alpha. Soup knows her place, now. You have come so far! I can’t wait to see how fit you have gotten and how fast you can chase the ball! You enjoy those pup-eroni’s and your new-tall-fake-mom until we get back. Enjoy the big bed and be polite. That means no farting in anyone’s face and try not to lick the human’s feet too much when you are going to sleep. That’s manners. I love you very much and we are talking and thinking about you and Belle all the time. I love you, my handsome man!
Mom! This place is a prison! How could you leave me here! My tall-fake-mom pretends to be nice to me, and then, AND THEN-she takes away my eye-goobys! I growl in protest, but she just pick the goop out of my eyes, anyway. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!? MOM! It isn’t fair! I was saving those. I am working on a gift for you, mom!
The thing is, let’s be honest, mom–I won’t be around forever. I know we don’t like to talk about this, but I was building you a life-sized statue of myself out of my eye-goobys. And now she is putting a serious damper on this plan. Doesn’t she understand?! My statue will be monumental, it will be found by future generations of space-people-archeologists in the post-apocyolipical remains of Earth and know I was worshipped as a deity. Damn, you, tall-fake-mom! My plans are falling apart!
But on the plus side, our fitness camp has a new member, and she is sooooo big, and soooooo pretty! I might be in love, and I am so fit, I can literally run circles around her. She is my new favorite.
P.S. I don’t understand numbers and/or counting.
NOT YOUR EYE GOOBIES! I know how special they are to you. Don’t worry, though, love. You make so much Goop, it will all be replaced before you know it. And Belle can chip in with some of her goobies because she makes quite a lot too. But she doesn’t seem quite as attached to hers.
Miss Chloe does look quite beautiful. Don’t forget to be polite. No butt licking on the first date. Let her sniff you before she makes up her mind to love you back. And no, I MEAN NO, mounting. Let her come to you. Best luck with your budding romance. I look forward to hearing more about your adventures! See you in a couple days, boo face!
Mom! It is day 5f8 of camp and I hear you are coming home?! I have had such an adventure! I lost so much weight here, my body disappeared.
LOOK! Mom! I am just a head! A super-spooky-floaty-head.
Okay, come get me now. I am done playing with all these girls. They are boring. We can bring Belle home too, I guess.