artist’s way, week five: i love or would love

We must hope • 8in x 8in • Mixed media collage • Carly Swenson • 2010

As an exercise in week five, Cameron instructs her readers to make a list of ten activities I love or would love to try but I’m not allowed.  I feel this list is supposed to be sort of random, playful and exciting—listing items like sky-diving, learning to horse-back ride, join an improv group, a hot air balloon ride, etc.

My list felt pretty pathetic—I struggled to think of anything at all.  I doubt that is because I’m already clearing leading the ultimate fulfilled life without fear or reservation, therefore, I desire of nothing.

Partially, I know I overthink these exercises. Maybe because, since I am endeavoring into The Artist’s Way on my own, I worry about doing it wrong? Or not understanding the tasks correctly?  Or that maybe I am missing some underlying subtext? It’s almost impressive how well I can live in my own head and get in my own way–not to brag, but I am pretty awesome at it.

Here is my list:

1. Take a dancing lesson
2. Visit Egypt
3. Take a pottery class
4. –
5. –
6. –
7. –
8. –
9. –
10. –

Yep. Three of Ten. Seems sort of sad?

The next exercise was to help get past my inner censor by speed writing a wish list.  Since I’m writing the thoughts down as soon as they come into my mind, tit prevents self-censorship of ideas I would likely rework or consider absurd.  I don’t like the word ‘wishes’ it feels juvenile or naive. However, in the grand scheme of this Artist’s Way experiment, I can’t let myself to get caught up in semantics.  Cameron explains that wishes are just that, and tend to be frivolous. Therefore, wishes shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

In my writing, instead of being fun and frivolous, it just ended up as a sort of insightfully dark and strange stream-of-consciousness babble. It’s bizarre how one thought flows chaotically to next, almost before one is even on the page. These seemingly unconnected ideas moving seamlessly into the next.

That being said, here is my wish list:

I wish I could meet Banksy. I wish I could get my work in a contemporary art magazine like Juxtapoz or Hi-Fructose, but my art is probably not illustration-style enough. I wish I could have a solo exhibition in a highly reputable gallery.  I wish more people would take me seriously as an artist, and take notice of my work.  I wish I weren’t selfish.  I wish I weren’t so hard on myself.  I wish our country weren’t in this huge recession, and corporations weren’t considered people.  I wish people could be less hateful.  I wish my husband would plan a trip to Italy for our birthdays.  I wish we could go on another cruise.  I wish I knew how to plan a trip.  I wish I could see Sam and Ariel again.  I wish I knew how to make friends.  I wish I had close friends like the ones I made in college.  I wish I weren’t scared of life.  I wish I knew where to begin.  I wish my faith were stronger.  I wish I were known.  I wish I felt my brother had some sort of interest in my life. I wish I were less judgmental.  I wish I didn’t get sad sometimes for no real reason.  I wish I didn’t constantly analyze my own actions.  I wish more people understood my sense of humor.  I wish I weren’t scared to open up to people.  I wish I weren’t petrified of failure. I wish others could envision the success I can envision for myself.  I wish I knew were to start.